I saw a TV show the other night which promised to transform my life. Dr. Lock, an elderly psychiatrist, revealed the secret of how to get off with women. All women. Any woman. You just look into her eyes and tell her softly that she’s the most beautiful woman in the room/ country/ world and keep looking into her eyes while listening carefully to her response. And you keep looking straight into her eyes as you tell her she is the woman you have been searching for all your life and at last you’ve found her.
It’s a form of hypnotism, he explained. The more intelligent the woman, the more responsive she will be. And if it works for me, it can work for anyone . It will alter your life forever, believe you me, he promised.
I get enthusiastic about advice like that, I’ve always had this feeling that there’s a great deal of hidden me just waiting to get out if only I can find the key.
At the next party I went up to this girl on her own – not the most beautiful girl in the world but a great hairstyle, intelligent looking, nice smile – and followed Dr. Lock’s instructions to the letter.
It worked like a charm.
The only problem is that my previously hidden self seems to be horrified by women who are besotted by me. I’ve stopped answering my phone, have left strict instructions at the office that if anyone called Jennifer tries to contact me to say I have left the company and even now, peeking out through the curtains, I can see her in a doorway across the street, waiting in the wind and the rain, her hair being blown this way and that, trying to light a cigarette with shaking hands.